Rogue Shadow

It’s been two weeks now since Ian left to join the US Army. I hadn’t felt like writing much since. In fact, I hadn’t felt like doing anything at all, save scrambling for the PC for our online dates (which are never certain, mostly ad hoc). I’d stay at home all day, and when I convince myself I’d be better outside, I regret it when I put on them shoes. Because being outside, everything reminds me of him. Hell, even at home, it’s like my day was arranged to merely go through our memories. It doesn’t help that I haven’t started working yet after the last fiasco of a telemovie. And all the time, I’m thinking "I’ll get through this. I’ll be fine. It’s like he’s just stuck at home in Balakong".

Did I mention it’s only been two weeks?

I’m becoming bitter and closed off. I don’t feel like talking, hanging, goofing off. Yesterday I practically forced Ines through an hour’s walk to 7-11. She was clueless as to why I was so insistent, especially since we discovered the route we took was too dangerous to cycle on, so we had to walk with our bikes the whole way. She kept suggesting we turn back. I kept saying "we’re almost there!" There was this truck that just stopped in front of us, at the side of the road, just to stare and scare. Ines was terrified. I could see it. But I kept pushing on.

Ines asked me later why I didn’t want to turn around. At that moment, for the life of me, I just didn’t know. In my head, I knew it was a bad idea. Mom would’ve killed me. So why didn’t I?

At first I thought, I just needed to walk and clear my thoughts. Distract myself, sweat and convince myself I’m doing it to lose weight. But then it dawned upon me, that it was a physical manifestation of what I’m doing here with Ian. So many people have been telling me "You’re out of your mind, El. A long distance relationship? Over FOUR years, AT LEAST?" With confidence, and I admit, a bit of cockiness, I said "We will cross the bridge when we get there. But until then, why quit?"

As I recall the route we took, it was winding and long. Cars zooming past really close to us (not like they didn’t have a whole fucking lane for themselves, but Malaysian drivers are assholes). Potholes and rocks. We even saw a dead baby snake. Was this a sign? I saw the fear in Ines’s face. I knew it reflected how I really felt inside, despite me telling her to not be such a baby. And now, I feel that fear was never physical, never about going to 7-11. It was a fear more real, more deep than that.

I am scared shitless over Ian and I being apart.

In 11 days, Ian enters boot camp. We will not have contact for at least four months. Thats approximately ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY DAYS. I go crazy if I don’t get to see him online for just 1 day. And he won’t be off doing  crap like Khidmat Negara. This is fucking military boot camp. And he will be doing combat engineering. AND he’s getting airborne. So that would be 120 nights of me NOT sleeping.

But something restored (although at time it does falter) my strength and faith. Something made me believe we would both get through this. Something guaranteed me that even if I fall, I will get right back up and just dust myself off. Something told me "You’ll be just fine".

Slurpee.

That’s right. SLURPEE. When I had that first sip of ice cold sugary goodness quenching my drought stricken throat and cooling down my blazing sweaty body, I thought "That was worth it." And I finally felt the wind blow on my face that before I had not realized as I was too tired, too afraid. But I kept pushing myself because I knew I had to to get to that Slurpee. And got to it, we did. Something we wouldn’t have got if we had turned around.

So, was it a sign? Well, I’ll read it as one. Because "Nobody said it was easy. Noone ever said it would be so hard." I knew it was gonna be tough. I just had no idea HOW difficult it was going to be exactly. It was a lot more easier said than done. And at times the temptation to quit and turn around is very hard to resist, because the road seems way too long.

But I will not allow my fear, my fatigue, my family, my friends to let the wind escape me. I will feel every breeze through that uphill climb. Bring on the potholes and dead baby snakes.

Coz I won’t quit till I get that Slurpee.

This entry was posted on Saturday, June 7th, 2008 at 11:07 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.